“groovy mother...”

The US political “system” in a nutshell: “According to an eye-opening report released Tuesday, 60 million people whom you would never talk to, would never be in a position to talk to, and wouldn’t even be able to talk to if you tried will be voting for the other candidate in this year’s presidential election, and there is nothing you can do about it.”

“I’m also happy that they shortened the Green Monster, and painted it blue, because that wall was too tall before”

“I think at this point people are just fucking with the record industry as a whole.”

I really shouldn’t laugh at this, since I now work across the street from AT&T Park, but… heh.

Most gloriously offensive Onion headline in a while? Perhaps.

Excellent segment on This American Life about The Onion’s writing room. Skip about five minutes into the episode to find it.

The Onion News Network is getting better and better.

Jimmy Carter op-ed piece from The Onion. “You better get down on your hands and knees and kiss Jimmy Carter’s rosy-red Georgia-peach-picking ass and beg me to run your fucking country again, because there’s no way I’m ever gonna come to you fuck-knobs and politely ask you if I might please be a presidential candidate in your precious fuckin’ election.”

“For a majority of likely voters, meaningless bullshit will be the most important factor in deciding who they will vote for in 2008.”

“Fucking Yankees,” said Marshfield, MA resident and longtime Red Sox fan Lawrence Broberg, echoing the sentiments of thousands of men and woman across the nation. “Every year. Every goddamn year.”

“When moved from hand to ear, makes Lightsaber sound effects”

“His Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion breaks three feet inside before cutting sharply toward the dugout, where falsehood and cowardice are forced to shrink before it!”

New from The Onion: Elaborate boxes for really crappy-sounding gifts (“Salt of the Month Club”, anyone?), which you hide your real present inside. Genius!

Alarmingly prescient story from January 2001. “Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there’s much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation’s hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it.”

“The American people have spoken, and they have unanimously declared: ‘We want elected officials to lead this nation.’”

“The ban was a necessary precaution. We have to be willing to make these kinds of sacrifices if we’re going to prevent scientifically impossible terrorist attacks.”

“Little did such founding fathers as George Washington, George Jefferson, and ***ERIC IS A FAG***…”

The Onion AV Club’s snark-filled guide to this summer’s movies.

I know, I know, it’s the most obvious joke possible given the band name. The execution (sic) still made me laugh.

Interview with the four SNL “Featured Players”.